


Nothing Can Be Hidden

by startrecking



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Fear, Hurt, JaegerCon 2013, Kaiju Drifting - Freeform, M/M, Rejection, The Drift, emotionally consitpated german scientists
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-06
Updated: 2013-08-06
Packaged: 2017-12-22 15:56:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/915139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/startrecking/pseuds/startrecking
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><b>re·jec·tion</b> [ri-jek-<i>shuh</i> n]<br/>1. to be refused to have, take, recognize, etc.<br/>2. to be discarded as useless or unsatisfactory: The mind rejects painful memories.<br/>3. to be cast out or ejected.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nothing Can Be Hidden

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the JaegerCon 2013 Bingo prompt "The Drift". A big thank you to the amazing [Alice](http://archiveofourown.org/users/shitgetapen) for dragging me headfirst into this fandom.

      Why is it that we have to be so scared of rejection? Keeping everything locked up within ourselves, too scared to let it see the light of day, because of the chance that someone will see it, and turn away in disgust. Locking it up, until it’s impossible to hide it anymore.

     I’m not a stranger to this feeling. The feeling of rejection. I learnt it from an early age when I told my father I didn’t want to study to become a scientist. That I wanted to become an airplane pilot instead. He’d laughed at me, bitterly, told me that I needed to do something constructive with my life and that had been it. I’d devoted my life to science from then on, too hurt to do anything else, distancing myself from my dreams with the data and the mathematics.  
  
     Rejection came again not that long ago, about five years, and again from my father, when the Jaeger project was being shut down. He told me there was no use in keeping on that track. That changing to work with him on the Pacific Perimeter Program would be better. But I’d devoted too much of my life to the Jaegers and the pilots. I couldn’t just leave all my research because he wanted something else. I’d already changed my dreams for him once. I wasn’t going to do it again.

     It still hurt though. Despite knowing that my choice was definite, it still hurt that he pushed me away. So I buckled down with the data and the numbers again, distancing myself from the world even more, pushing everyone away because I did not want to feel that hurt again -- Until I met Newton Geiszler, that is. Yes, he was (and still is) the largest pain in the ass I’d ever met. But his energy was radiating. Warming in the small laboratory in Hong Kong we were sharing post Jaeger Program Sunset in a way that I’d never felt. Drawing me away from the math, and closer to humanity.  
  
     I, of course, tried to push him away as much as I could, still scared that I would be hurt again, tried to despise him with all of my heart, but I just never could. There would always be that energy, pulling me closer to him. And it scared me, but it excited me too. And slowly, after time, I found myself falling in love with this hyperactive, borderline manic, absolute idiot… and it felt good.

     But of course, I knew I couldn’t hide it forever. Not in the state that the world had become, and definitely not in the close quarters of the lab that we both all but lived in. After I found him collapsed on the floor that evening after he’d Drifted with the Kaiju brain alone, I knew he would do it again. I also knew, I wouldn’t let him do it alone again. I didn’t want to feel that hurt. But the possibility that the Drift would show him my secret scared me. He would found out that I love him. I didn’t want that rejection.

      So I tried to hide it when we both drifted with the baby Kaiju. I tried to focus on the data and the mathematics that I had used to distance myself from people, but nothing can be hidden in the Drift. I could feel when he found it. It exploded in my chest, magnified tenfold, and I felt that warmth rush over me like a strong summer breeze, but now wasn’t the time to worry about rejection. That would have to wait until the job was done.

     I didn’t want to meet his eyes afterwards. Didn’t want to see the look of disgust in his eyes now that he’d found out my secret. I kept my head down and said nothing, ever so scared that the only person I had ever loved would hurt me, because I knew that he would hurt me the most.

     But then I felt his arms around me. There in an instant, crushing me to his chest as he laughed. And that warmth was there again, lighting a fire in my chest that would never die out. I froze, not knowing how to react at all. He didn’t say anything for a long while, just kept hugging me. My arms were locked by my side, I couldn’t move. So I waited. Eventually his grip loosened, but he never let go. Quietly, ever so quietly, I heard him murmur _“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”_ and I didn’t know what to say. I stammered slightly, tripping over my own tongue as it finally dawned on me that he wasn’t going to reject me, that he wasn’t going to hurt me.

_“Hermann Gottlieb, dude, I love you too.”_

     Nothing can be hidden in The Drift… but maybe that’s a good thing.


End file.
